This Gaming Mag's 1 weird trick to get your girlfriend to do what you want!

From my friend Jess Morrisette on Twitter:

The May 2000 issue of PC Accelerator encouraged readers to "take these next two pages, cut them out, and slyly insert them into your wife/girlfriend/sister/mom's copy of Cosmo." This was a PC gaming magazine.

And further commentary from Jess:

I bet the editorial staff still has occasional shoulder pain from all the high fives they gave each other while writing this.

Not super on topic, but relevant to representation of women in gaming and gaming magazines.

I had to transcribe this and I literally hate every sentence and word.  Obligatory fatphobic joke, of course, and uh... I don't know why they did the girlfriend making out with sister thing but okay...

It's soooo painful to read, it's not even well-written whether the humor is your thing or not.  Also 44DD?  Somebody doesn't know how bra sizes work... (it's a US magazine so presumably that's a US size that they think means small body and big breasts).

(As mentioned in previous posts, PC Accelerator was meant to be a Maxim styled humour magazine for the gamer set).  They also did that "Age of Consent II" faux ad.

Full transcription below:

Page 1:

Top of page reads: guy spy

Top left:

Male Mind Reading

We asked 100 guys what they'd think if they caught their girlfriend orally pleasuring their sister.

19% said my girlfriend and my sister are pretty much the same person (all of these men were from the "Deep South")

35% said whatever floats her boat, man, as long as I don't have to touch my sister - she has cooties

46% said "eew" and got really uncomfortable

[accompanying photo of 2 blonde women ostensibly naked and kissing each other]

Bottom left:

his dating behaviour decoded

Double Standards: Why they're so cool

Unless you have a history of being irrationally jealous (like all women), chances are your suspicions are well-founded, and your man is probably boinking every girl who looks at him.  But what's so wrong with that?  ACcording to Dr. Weliskopffernuegun (author of There's Nothing Wrong With Being His Bitch), "It is quite normal and healthy for men to lust after every woman they meet.  If you place restrictions like monogamy on your man, then he will just eventually resent you." However this doesn't mean you can go around and have sex with every man you meet - that is just wrong.  There are also great advantages to a philandering mate.  He rarely demands sex and he feels extreme guilt.  Take advantage of his guilt to land expensive jewelry without having to put out - the best of both worlds.

[accompanying illustration of the legs of 3 women standing around the legs of a man]

Right column:

Weird Signs He Wants You

[Accompanying photo of a man with long black hair and beard looking at the audience with the caption: "Check out the I-think-you're-sexy subleties that a man just can't hide."]

Crush Clue 1: "Check out his lips - is he pressing them against yours excessively?" asks Martin Lloyd-Clueless, author of Not So Secret Secrets of Sexual Body Language (Useless Press, 1996).  When aroused, a man's kisser becomes sensitive and he usually attempts to stick his tongue down your throat.

Crush Clue 2: Does he constantly make comments like, "You wanna do it" or "Nice rack baby"?  According to exhaustive research done by Lloyd-Clueless, comments like this indicate a guy is interested in you for more than your stunning conversational skills.

Crush Clue 3: Zoom in on his package.  Is it bulging?  If a man spots eye-pleasing prey, his animal instincts kick in and he gets "wood".  The better to stick you with, my dear.

Crush Clue 4: You're in a bar, it's closing time and you are the only girl in a 40-foot radius.  Accoring to Dr. Wylie (author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Idiots), "At this time every man in that bar wants you, no matter how disgustingly fat and ugly you may be."  So pick your mate and ... uhh ... mate.

Crush Clue 5: Has he ever bought you anything? A drink, a salad ... it doesn't really matter.  Wylie states, "Men have a close association between their wallets and their penises, and they wouldn't spend a dime on you unless they thought it gave them a better chance at getting laid."

Bottom of page: "Men have a close association between their wallets and their penises." - The Complete Idiot's Guide to Idiots

MAY 2000 COSHMOPOLITAN [sic] 103

Page 2:

top of page reads: why don't you...

top left:

...look like this?

Face facts: if you don't look like this, then you are ugly.

[accompanying photo of a thin white woman in lingerie lying on a chair in black and white]

top right:

...grab him a beer!

Why? Why the hell not?  He's thirsty and the lovely collection of hops and barley is just what he wants.  For variation on this winning tip, you can also bring him several beers, bring him beers in the buff, and make him some food to go with the beer.  Get to it.

[accompanying photo of a thin white woman in a bikini pouring a pitcher of beer into a cup]

middle:

...wake him up with a hummer

Not only will it make your man happy, which is always important, but scientists have also proven that a man's ... uhh ... man milk makes for a tasty, low-calorie, fat-burning, life-enriching treat.  New studies have shown that frequent falatio actually reduces your chance of cancer, gets rid of unwanted cellulite, eliminates the needs for periods, and lessens cravings for chocolate.  Isn't it time you started going down?

[next to the paragraph are a small photo of the back of an overweight woman with the word "Before" next to large photo of a thin woman in a bikini lying down on a beach with the word "after"]

bottom left:

...shut the hell up!

Silence is golden and no, he doesn't want to hear about your day at work (unless of course, it involves hot woman-on-woman sex), your problems, or any of that other trivial shit.  Shut it already!

[accompanying photo of a blonde white woman with her mouth open and the caption: "What men hear: "blah, blah, blah""]

...realize that bigger is better

That skinny no-boob Kate Moss look is so five minutes ago.  Sporting anything smaller than a 44 DD bra size is an insult to the women who pioneered much-needed breast augmentation research.  Besides, guys love big ta-tas ... and maybe you will too if given half a chance.

[Accompanying photo of a blonde white woman with a tight top over large breasts pressed against her body with the caption: "Almost there"]

Bottom of page reads "104 COSHMOPOLITAN [sic] MAY 2000"