Okay, so I’ve picked my favourites for

Okay, so I’ve picked my favourites for the Christmas caption contest!

There were a lot of good ones this time and I got a lot of laughs from many of them, so it was hard for me to choose, but here are the 10 finalists:

Glitchy answered:

[sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

You’d better watch out
You’d better not scream
At this freaky thing
If you know what I mean,
Spineless Girl is coming to town!

She’s sexy and hot,
(Or so I am told)
But with duds like that,
She’s bound to be cold.
Spineless Girl is coming to town!

She haunts you when you’re sleeping,
With posing that’s so bad.
I know I heard that “sex must sell” but
Good grief, it’s kind of sad.

You’d better watch out
If you know what I mean.
I guess some things
can’t be unseen.
Spineless Girl is coming to town!

tobuishi answered:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

When up from downstairs there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the parlor I flew like a flash,
Threw open the door - and then froze in my tracks.

The moonlight was faint and the shadowy gloom
Made it tricky to spot what was wrong in the room.
But then in the darkness, I saw her, though dimly -
A person was slithering out of the chimney!

With her back bent at such an impossible line -
I saw in a moment - the girl had no spine!
She crawled from the fireplace into the light,
And I trembled, and shuddered, and cried out in fright!

She was dressed all in bondage gear, held up with glue
And strategically smudged up with ash from the flue.
Her leather-clad buns, unlike most human asses
Were clenched 'till they looked like a pair of sunglasses!

Her eyes glowed with malice! Her hands were like flippers!
Her cheekbones like cleavers, her fangs like the Ripper’s!
Her miniscule nose was turned up like a snout,
And the joints of her elbows both bent wrong-way-out.

The blade of a knife she clenched tight in her teeth,
And her hair hung like slices of raw brisket beef.
A few scraps of leather just covered her breasts,
And she moved like a snake crawling out of its nest.

Her sinuous neck and the twist of her head,
Had filled up my heart with unspeakable dread.
She was eerie and spooky, a weird human error
Yet I felt a strange pity, in spite of my terror!

“No jacket! No trousers! Why, you must be freezing!
No pelvis! No ribcage! No rhyme and no reason!
From your poor boneless toes to your blank, empty eyes!
Who drew you? Who drew you?! For pity’s sake, why?!”

She spoke not a word, only gazed at me sadly,
This poor eldritch creature, who’d been drawn so badly.
I thought of her out in the cold winter weather…
And I pulled down the stockings, and stitched them together.

The garment was makeshift, but fairly quick work.
I offered it to her. She gasped, gave a jerk,
And then smiled such a smile, a lump rose in my throat!
She put down her blade, and she put on the coat!

It suited her well - she looked warm, snug, and cute.
Up the chimney she crawled like a worm in an fruit.
But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she squirmed out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

zagglezig answered: “You know how you have snakes for unclogging pipes? Well, I’m thinking that might work for chimneys.” “A chimney is a lot bigger than a drain.” “I’ve got a plan for that.”

lysander-gustav answered: If you leave out knives instead of milk and cookies, good little boys and girls will get a visit from the Holiday Snakewoman. You don’t get presents, though. Just squeezed to death in her coils and devoured whole, to be slowly digested over the year.

ceciliavonjoy answered: As alarming as chimney snakes appear, they work for Santa but will only bring knives as gifts

julian francisco answered: The Hessterting family gathered around the fireplace, gawking at the red haired woman who had forced her way through their chimney. “Erm,” Mr Hessterting stammered. “Well, Billy asked for the bicycle, Timothy for the vest, so that only leaves…

Chastity, blushing as she always did, stepped forward. "Um, yes, I asked for that girl from Blood Rain. I was, um, hoping she’d follow me into the spirit world.”

zombiemollusk answered: Kids, I have two important announcements to make. One: “Santa” was really me, your mother. Two: I am also part snake. Merry Christmas! Hope you enjoy your reptilian ancestry!

erato-tia-tuatha answered: Being the badass she is, Melinda had to resort to the weirdest tricks to make push-ups actually exhausting.

rainydaywolf answered: “I’ve come to clean chimneys and kill you with my yoga poses, and I’m done with this chimney”

memoryblossom answered: The chimney dwelling snake-women is the only known natural predator of the santus clausus. Let’s watch as it swoops down on an unsuspecting Santa.